You tin't modify yourself, so don't even endeavor. I know that's not what the infomercials and self-aid seminars tell you. But fuck it. They're incorrect. You can't alter. Like a thirsty homo in a desert chasing a delusion, or a fat man peering into an empty fridge—at that place's nothing there. And so cease chasing it. Get do something else instead.

Why tin't you change yourself? Because the whole idea of change is an arbitrary construct. It's something you just made up to brand yourself feel good (or bad).

Yesterday, I hadn't written this article. Today, I have. Did I change?

Both yeah and no are correct answers, depending on how I define alter. Technically, yous are both always changing and never changing. It just depends on how you wait at it. What you decide is change or not is an imaginary line drawn in your caput.

I could determine that "changing myself" ways having a billion dollars. I'll and so sit effectually beating myself up for not being able to "change" for the rest of my life. Therefore, that'due south non a very useful definition of "change."

Or I could decide that "irresolute myself" means not putting ketchup on my french chips. If that's the case, and so change is pretty damn easy. But does my definition of "change" mean anything? Not really.

What Is Change?

When people lie around whining to their therapists and ex-wives that they're finally going to "change" themselves, they are promising something imaginary and made upwardly. If they used to lie and at present they stopped lying, have they "changed"? Are they permanently and irrevocably "fixed"? Volition they never lie again? And even if they don't, will it matter? Please tell u.s.a.—millions of pissed off ex-wives would like to know.

We don't know what change is because we don't know what the hell we are. If I wake upwardly tomorrow and do the exact reverse of everything I do today, am I a changed person? Or am I simply the same person who decided to effort something dissimilar?

And more importantly, who fucking cares?

I don't. And neither should you.

Hither'due south the problem with using the word "change:" information technology gets your identity involved. And when you get your identity involved, y'all become really emotionally attached to imaginary things. You throw fits and crush yourself upwardly and blame others and determine that you are, in fact, a worthless piece of shit who has no hope in this globe.

It's one thing to say, "I want to outset going to the gym every week." It'southward another to say, "It's time I finally change and become the type of person who goes to the gym each week."

The first statement is simple. You lot want to become to the gym. And so, y'all go (or not).

The second argument implies that to go to the gym, you lot mustcompletely reinvent yourself. And that raises the emotional stakes massively. If y'all succeed (spoiler: you probably won't), yous'll gain this beatific feeling of being a "new person," which will final until the next time you feel crappy and want to "change" again. If y'all neglect, you lot'll chastise yourself for your irredeemable laziness.

Man on the couch drinking beer - stop trying to change yourself

And that's the problem with getting your identity involved. If/when you lot fail at something, y'all start thinking: "Perchance I'm kidding myself. Maybe I'm not one ofthose gym people. Peradventure this just isn't me.So why fifty-fifty try?" Because you've decided these arbitrary actions represent the totality of your grapheme, you will view your failure to go off your donkey and put on yoga pants as a verdict on your value equally a human existence. You will detest yourself. And yous will be less motivated to "change" or practice annihilation else in the futurity.

On the flip side, if y'all succeed, like all drugs, you'll go this squeamish high and momentarily escape your sense of yourself. Just presently, that high will wear off, and you'll need to ascertain for yourself a new type of "modify" to accomplish, and you'll pursue that. Yous'll then become fond to personal change the aforementioned manner Eric Clapton was addicted to cocaine or Edgar Allan Poe was fond to drinking until he passed out confront-downwards in a ditch.

Hither'due south a pro-tip: in that location's no such matter as a "gym person." There are only people who go to the gym. Similarly, there's no such thing as a "productive person." In that location are just people who exercise productive things fairly often. At that place's no such thing as a "lovable person." There are but people who aren't selfish twats.

It's non always most yous (in fact, it rarely is)

InThe Subtle Art of Non Giving a Fuck, I wrote about the importance of maintaining an identity that is defined by as little as possible. That'southward because when we go our identities involved—when we decide that certain behaviors or events correspond our worth as a man being—things get emotionally turbulent.1 , 2 And when things get emotionally turbulent, we tend to do really impaired shit.3 , 4

Instead, think of your life simply every bit a long sequence of actions and decisions. If you're like most people, many of these actions and decisions are less than ideal. And what most of us mean when we say we'd like to "change" ourselves is but that we'd similar to make slightly better actions and decisions.

Person struggling in a bedsheet, trying to change themselves
Here's a vague picture that kind of looks like someone who is trying to observe themselves but instead they got lost in their bed canvas.

For years, I hated mornings. Pretty much my entire life, I woke up late. This would crusade a little snowball of shittiness in my life. I'd be behind on work all twenty-four hour period. Then so I'd have to stay up half the dark working. Then I'd exist tired and stressed out the adjacent day. So I'd stay upwards even later on the next night trying to take hold of upwards. By the end of the week, I'd exist a wreck. So to escape I'd go out drinking and partying to unwind way too much, which would simply fuck me upward even further the next calendar week.

I still somehow managed to build a career. Don't ask me how (answer: a small-scale truckload of caffeine). But instead of recognizing that I did okaydespitemy own bad habits, I made it nearly me. I made it role of who I was. I decided information technology was my identity. I said, "Yes, I'm a badass. Fuck waking upwards early. Fuck getting sleep. I don't demand that shit. Look at me, Mom, I tin can work all nighttime!"

And you tin go away with that when you're 22. But you lot can't when you're 32.

In my 30s, I began to struggle with productivity. And instead of recognizing my terrible habits, I told myself, "Well,I'm just not a morn person." "Oh, I don't do that sort of morning routine stuff." Without me realizing it, this was tantamount to me giving upwards before I started. The times I'd endeavor to get upward early or to workout commencement thing or to eat a good for you breakfast, I'd struggle and immediately tell myself, "See? This morning stuff isn't for me."

Somewhen, I had toget over myself. I had to decide that, you lot know what, I don't know who the hell I am or what I'm doing, but I do know that historically and scientifically and anecdotally, and anyone who is not an idiot knows, that waking upwardly early and starting the mean solar day off with a nice, simple routine is a healthy and productive way to alive i'south life.v

And so I did it. I removed my identity from it and just did it because information technology's a proficient thing to do. Now I get up early on. And I meditate (usually) and swallow something light-green and salubrious and blindside out a bunch of writing every bit before long as I perhaps can.six

And does that make me a "morning person?" Does that make me a "productive person?" Who knows? Who cares? I don't. And it was by not caring that made information technology possible for me to do it.

Keep your "self" out of your decisions, because most likely, information technology's not about "you." Simply ask yourself, "Is this a good thing to practice?" Yes? Then go do it.

Oh, you failed to do it? Is it even so a skilful thing to exercise? Yes? So go do it again. And if, at any point, y'all realize that it wasn't as good every bit yous thought, then don't do information technology again.

End of story.

Change Your Actions, not yourself

Most of united states of america who feel stuck in certain habits are stuck considering we're emotionally embedded in unhealthy behaviors. A smoker doesn't only smoke cigarettes. They develop a whole identity around smoking. Information technology alters their social life, their eating and sleeping habits, how they see themselves and others. They get "the smoker" to their friends and family unit. They develop a relationship with cigarettes the aforementioned manner yous and I develop a human relationship with a pet or a favorite toy. Or our phones.

When someone decides to "change" themselves and quit smoking, they are essentially attempting to "alter" their entire identity—all of the relationships, habits, and assumptions that accept gone into 10 years of doing a atypical thing. No wonder New Year's Resolutions don't last. No wonder that ofttimes fails.

The trick to quitting smoking (or to changing whatsoever habit) is to recognize that your identity—that elaborate mental framework y'all devised in your mind and labeled "me"—doesn't actually exist. It is arbitrary. It is a facade. And it tin can be raised or dropped at will. Information technology is a choice.

Yous are non a smoker. Yous are a person who chooses to fume. You lot are not a night person. Yous are a person who chooses to be active at dark and sleep through the morning time. Y'all are non unproductive. You are a person who currently chooses to do things that practice non experience useful. You are not unloveable. Y'all are a person who currently feels unloved.

And changing these actions is every bit uncomplicated as… irresolute your deportment. I activeness at a fourth dimension.seven , 8 Forget labeling information technology. Forget social accountability (in fact, inquiry has institute that sharing goals with others can often backlash). Forget making a big hoo-ha-ha virtually who you are or what you are or what the fucking Pope thinks about you.

Because he doesn't. And neither do most of the rest of united states of america. And neither do you lot, for that affair. Your identity is this made up thing that you lot're emotionally attached to. It's a mirage in the desert. A ketchup bottle in an empty fridge. And the quickest way to modify yourself is to realize that there'southward no real self to change.